A DAY IN THE LIFE 1958 : There is nothing these nuns hate more than the insolence of a child. Over their CHILD GULAG they had a Latin phrase which translated meant: I WILL TEACH YOU THE FEAR OF THE LORD. Of course all that Latin bullshit was beyond me as a five year old – well most of it – the bit that I could grasp told me that this Lord was a bullshit artist. I mean how could a child be expected to say a prayer before a meal which consisted of slop – green mash, GREEN FUCKING MASH!!! and these fucking nuns wanted me to say THANKS TO THE LORD for it!!!
NO WAY – I’d quickly say PRAYERS for the food them fucking nuns were having but not for the slimy slop THEY were dishing up to me. At my first opportunity I broke into their kitchens (yes kitchens) and stole a huge can of beans – now we’re talking huge here because this can was of catering size and by God a catering can of beans in the hands of a five year old is some big bazooka of a bean feast. Being five of course I didn’t have the sense to also steal a fucking TIN OPENER; So I went from hero to zero in about 10 seconds flat in the eyes of me other starving chum – but necessity being the mammy of intervention we took turns in jumping on this can until it was almost squashed as flat as a pancake – not really true that but you know what I mean. The can was all crumpled and was actually beginning to leak out some of it’s luscious tomato sauce. We sucked away at it till one of us had the really brill idea of dropping the can from the top of the fire-escape stairs.
By gum that worked a treat for the can exploded magnificently. Beans explode all around the place and DID WE FEAST? You bet WE DID. Of course our little adventure didn’t go unnoticed by the nuns and when we heard one of them screaming at us we took off to hide. But me being me I wanted as much of the beans as I could fit into me little belly (I mean I might not get another chance at such exotic food for a long time) and I continued to stuff the beans into me mouth and me pockets, me socks and wherever I could fit them. Naturally the nun caught me and asked WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING? I replied honestly (I did, I did) that I was EATING and as I said earlier Nuns just don’t like insolence in a child so she battered me to Hell and gone, I was laid up in bed for about a month after that.
What the fuck did these nuns expect from someone they called the spawn of the devil?